Top 10 celebrities/characters not at ASR--and the industry stereotypes they’d represent, had they

1. Captain Jack Sparrow as the Machiavellian Executive VP of Marketing
    Style: Errol Flynn’s Captain Blood infused with a dose of Keith Richard’s stony-ness and a dash     of Pepe Le Pew’s stanky swagger. While he earns new-age props for his dreadlocks, gold grill and     distressed clothing, he also loses style points for a lack of creativity (i.e. he rocks the same salty     outfit 24/7).
    Skill sets: Downright scary powers of persuasion coupled with an unfailing knack for knowing     what he wants. So, despite helping you kick off a marketing campaign that was your brainchild,     he steals the promotion you’ve been gunning for and blows up your spot with the girl you’ve been     dating. If this happens, don’t worry. You’ll still be his “mate.”
    Shortcomings: A moral fiber that’s tattered-at-best. An extremely bad close-talking habit,      made worse by a “sex-panther-esque” body odor.
    X-Factors: He’s swashbuckling yet sexually ambiguous. So he’ll either win over the crowd with     his dashing mannerisms, or shock and awe his colleagues by repeatedly checking out various     members of the ASP men’s tour.
    Smart money says: Jack will be AWOL throughout the entire show. However, he’ll somehow     redeem himself by throwing a blow-out party sponsored by Captain Morgan.
2. Don King as the street-smart and cagey industry-outsider
Style: His signature electric-outlet hairdo earns huge marks for originality. However, he gets docked     points for his 1980s LensCrafters frames. Another style negative is that his wardrobe consists of only superfly casino manager tuxedos. Point being: Though sparks fly when he walks, he also    pays a hefty dry-cleaning tab each month.
    Skill sets: An extensive vocabulary, a Rolodex of catch-phrases and a preternatural understanding     of how to command the “lion’s share.”
    Shortcomings: Has been known to smile while his business partners bleed profusely and then go     into bankruptcy.
    X-Factors: Will either show you the profit Promised Land or give you a momentary glimpse of it.
    Smart money says: He’ll gain exclusive web and television rights to surfing. And for a mere     $39.95, he’ll convince mass pay-per-view audiences to watch tri-weekly grudge-matches of AI     versus Slater at Pipe.
3. Mick Jagger as the cosmic retro-line owner who surprisingly kills it
    Style: Thrift Store meets Magnum P.I.—but cooler.
    Skill sets: Being cosmic. “Soul-arching the whole way.” Overusing the word “magic.” Singing     Freebird at Karaoke nights. Reliving the past and profiting from it.
    Shortcomings: Badly sun-damaged skin. Striking similarities to Dennis Hopper in Apocalypse     Now.
    X-Factors: Whether he finally remembers your name after meeting you 10 or 20 times.
    Smart money says: He’ll hype a “killer new” beavertail wetsuit. And while it looks just like the     previous year’s model, he’ll tell you that you can “just sense” how it’s different.
4. Sacha Cohen (a.k.a Borat, Ali G and Bruno) as the guerilla marketing team leader
    Style: No one knows for sure—since he’s always in disguise.
    Skill sets: Growing an almost-dirtier-than-Burt Reynolds mustache. Convincing people that he’s     not selling them.
    Shortcomings: Really hairy legs—in addition to the fact that he’s constantly confused with the     miniature Olympic women’s figure skater.
    X-Factors: Potential lawsuits.
    Smart money says: He’ll create a groundswell of public support around a company’s new product     line. However, many of those newly-won supporters will then react negatively once they realize     they’ve been duped into being part of a company’s subversive marketing plan.
5. Zoolander’s Jacobim Mugatu as the fortune-telling designer
    Style: Whatever the winds tells him it’s going to be…And everyone else better %$@!&*^ take it     as gospel!
    Skill sets: Being so hot right now. Looking ahead of the curve while keeping a finger on the pulse     of current consumer trends.
    Shortcomings: Pushing the idea envelope beyond the current budget. Getting all “farty and     bloated” from foamy lattes.
X-Factors: Can be as cantankerous as Naomi Campbell on a bad hair day or as cheerful as    Richard     Simmons on a double-dosage of Prozac.
    Smart money says: He’ll wow the crowds with his one-of-a-kind flair during the convention.     Nevertheless, he’ll crash another company’s after-party and give an old-fashioned beat-down to     the buyer who said his latest designs “weren’t that hot.”
6. Ricky Bobby as the hot-air-filled Pro Rider
    Style: Attitude of middle-aged Elvis Presley mixed with the sophistication of a bouncer at the     Baton Rouge Hooters. While his NASCAR-esque jumpsuit initially attracts nothing but mocking     laughter, he wears it with such panache that he eventually makes the look an industry-wide     practice among pro-riders (due to the fact that his sponsors’ logos are always visible).
    Skill sets: Loud and outlandish confidence that makes him charge big waves and ignore various     health hazards. He also never gets tired.
    Shortcomings: A habitual line stepper who’s almost always too jacked up on free energy drinks.     Plus, he’s got some real bad grammar and such.
    X-Factors: Sponsors pay him top dollar because he relentlessly promotes their labels. This being     said, he’s only able to sign one-year contracts because of his intense love for all colors of Johnny     Walker and his complete disregard for “manners of any kind.”
    Smart money says: Ricky will mint mad cash over a period of time by hyping several dozen     sponsors with robot-like efficiency. However, he’ll eventually get his ass kicked by Bishop Don     “Magic” Juan. And to make matters worse, a four minute and 37 second clip of the beating will     appear on You Tube and the legend of Ricky Bobby will slowly fade into surf lore.
7. Spicoli (or maybe Zoolander’s Hansel) as the aging surf legend
Style: A unique barrage of free clothing combined with cloth he hand-weaves from the hydroponic cotton, bamboo and hemp he cultivates in his home.
    Skill sets: Telling tall-tales about the time he towed-in at Mav’s after coming off a 36-hour bender     with Kerouac and Hendrix.
Shortcomings: Starting accidental fires. Forgetting where he is and whatever it was he was talking about at the time.
X-Factors: He generates genuine good feelings wherever he goes; yet, he too often gets lost in San Diego’s Gaslamp Quarter during the show’s prime hours.
    Smart money says: He’ll sign a lifetime contract with a major sponsor but then blow his entire     sign on bonus on lottery tickets that same day.
8. Jay-Z as the President and CEO of a major brand
Style: Dominates the image department with a Zen-like ability to randomly invent quirky looks and then get credited as that season’s fashion “trendsetter.”
    Skill sets: Being on-point and iconic. Making others copy him. Being on a first name basis with     other global icons (LeBron, Kofi, etc.). Using tennis bracelets to hush-hush lewd rumors that     happen to be true.
    Shortcomings: Not developing his short-game enough to best Jordan on the golf course.
X-Factors: Drives a different six-figure car each day. Plus, no one knows who his main bodyguard is—only that it’s probably one of the three big dudes that are always within arm’s reach of him.
    Smart money says: He’ll be in attendance for a couple hours on the first day and then bail for     Richard Branson’s latest rager on Necker Island.
9. Oprah as the mercenary “Marketing/Branding Genius/Guru” who gets hired for a king’s ransom
    Style: Rotates between the season’s luxury it-brand and the most recent yoga-garb. Rarely sports     the products of whatever company she’s currently consulting for—only because it might lessen     her earning potential at the next label who requests her expertise. Gets automatic style points     because most critics want to be her friend.
    Skill sets: Making pretty much everything she does a big success. Having crazy-insane amounts of     loot to give to charity. Having a book club. Having no need for a last name. Staffing lots of people     who only say “yes.” Being uber-savvy and relating to everyone—except for 50 Cent.
    Shortcomings: Being omnipresent in the tabloids.
    X-Factors: Could fly off the handle at any time when she’s on the South Beach Diet.
    Smart money says: She’ll help a company grow their major market share for a few years until     jumping ship to the nearest competitor.
10. Ron Burgundy as the industry’s main TV correspondent
    Style: When he’s not rocking the latest artist network T-shirt, you’ll find him in a suit from the     Men’s Fashion Depot. Like that guy used to say in the ad: “Price. Value. Selection … Nobody     even comes close.”
    Skill sets: Filibustering on live TV with way too much enthusiasm. Knowing the real San     Deeaaago. And, of course, staying “classy.”
    Shortcomings: Being all pervy. Getting confused with a CHP Officer due to his hyper-bushy yet     perfectly-maintained mustache.
    X-Factors: He arouses great emotion among his viewers; yet, he also cries when he gets drunk     with random acquaintances.
    Smart money says: He’ll do a bang-up job of reporting everyday at the show—and then squire a     different Cougar about town each evening.